Those Advice given by A Father Which Saved Me during my time as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was merely just surviving for the first year."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of being a father.

Yet the reality soon became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he burnt out. It was a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You're not in a healthy space. You need assistance. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now more comfortable discussing the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are part of a wider inability to communicate amongst men, who often absorb damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It's not a display of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a respite - going on a couple of days overseas, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling swamped, confide in a family member, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their stories, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help isn't failing - looking after you is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their pain, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."