Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
